Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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