i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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