So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
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She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
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Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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