How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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