I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
