don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
