call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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