Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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