You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
