New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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