I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
