btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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