im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
