I just cut my nipple shaving
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When did angry sex become our thing?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
