So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
