Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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