So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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