i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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