the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
