broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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