He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
