My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
