You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize