Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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