i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
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