i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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