My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
