Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
