They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
