Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
