If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
