I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake