Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
