you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Randomize
