He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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