Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
