I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
