She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize