Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
