it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
