Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
