I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
