I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
