Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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