i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
