I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
