not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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