i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
