My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Randomize
