hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
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