I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
