I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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