My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
