goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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