i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
