Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
