i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
