Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
